Yesterday we dropped Jaron off at school. I was actually feeling quite content and even happy. The sun has finally begun to come out from behind the incessant California curtain of winter clouds. It was even bright and warm- I could feel the sun warming my skin through the windows of my car. Then, a song came on the radio and all of that went right out the window.
I started sobbing so hard that I had to drive another 20 minutes before I could stop.
You see- around Christmas, I was able to talk to my dad on the phone. I don't get to talk to him on the phone very often, and unfortunately when he calls it is no different than any other time anyone calls me- I answer the phone and immediately, no matter what, my wonderful, angelic children turn into the liveliest of circus performers. This phone call from my dad was no different- it looked like me desperately trying to hear everything he was saying, knowing that our time was very limited, and at the same time having three jugglers, dancers, singers and wild animals running around me in circles.
He said something that I heard, remembered, but also didn't think about much after he said it. (Because of the circus performers)
He said,
"I need you to do something for me. Please find the song 'Truth Be Told' by Matthew West, and show it to Mom. And your brothers. Please tell them that this is my favorite song that I've ever heard."
I think we all can feel something from this... so I'm sharing it with everyonetoo.
I want you to think about my dad for a minute, if you would.
For those of you who had the pleasure of knowing him, you need no guidance or direction. But for those of you who may not have known my dad very well, I'll tell you. I have 25 years of memories that can summarize my dad pretty accurately in a just few words- my dad was a big. goof.
He was always always joking! It didn't matter if we were in the E.R. or at a funeral, my dad could break the tension in any environment. Anyone, anywhere, anytime, any circumstance.. his silliness and jokes and caring demeanor could make you forget any amount of pain or knowledge that you are actually in a really crappy situation.
He was always smiling.
Always helping.
Always, ALWAYS, trying to make you laugh.
Guys. I mean it. always.
And that.
That memory.
That pure first hand knowledge of the person he is.
That dad that I knew..
That was why I sobbed so hard and so uncontrollably in the car when I actually listened and heard the words of his new favorite song. I felt like with one song, in two and a half minutes, he invited me in, to see the truth- what was actually happening inside him during those same 25 years.
This is the song of his heart.
This is the song of why he is where he is now.
And I knew it was true.
Here's his song: listen.
That person in your life.
You've got one. Maybe even more than one..
That person who you think hurt you.
That person who you think makes you angry.
That person who you think broke your heart.
That person who you think is or was wrong.
It rarely will show, but the truth is-
behind all of that, there is a human being with a whole bunch of pain that they just don't know what to do with.
there is a human being who is constantly running away from that pain, desperate and tired and dying to stop running but they can't- they can't. They can't face their pain.
It hurts too much.
and/or they having been running from it for so long, don't know how to face it.
Or- they know very well how big the pain is and feel that they can't face it- they don't have time.
Life doesn't stop, and so problems and issues don't either- they pile and pile and pile.
So just like my dad, they don't stop to address their own hurt because they're trying so hard to be fine for the rest of us. They're trying to hold down the fort, for us.
They're not out to get you.
They don't want to hurt you.
They don't mean what they do- it is a reflection of what is going on inside them.
It reminds me of the quote by Marjorie Pay Hinkley,
"There isn't a person you wouldn't
love if you could read their story."
In sharing this song with us, my dad let us all hear his story.
To learn the truth about him.
The only truth that really matters.
But I don't think this is just his story.
To one degree or another-
it's all of ours.
When my dad first got arrested, I told you all that I wasn't surprised. And I wasn't. For a long time, he was everything I said he was, and even until the end he was still joking and goofy, but I started to notice a difference in his eyes.
It was the desperate, tired, dying to stop running look that I could see in his eyes. Summed up, it says it in this song:
"And when it's out of control
I say it's under control
but it's not
and you know it."
I could see it. I knew something was very wrong. I am so grateful to have a Heavenly Father who answers prayers. My dad told me that his being arrested was an almost immediate answer to his "first-real-prayer-in-a-long-time-I'm-at-the-end-of-my-rope" plea to God.
I'm so grateful to finally know the truth about my dad. To feel it deeply and understand him and what he went through all those years.
