So I just wrote in my journal, and I wrote something that was actually pretty good.
I had a little feeling that I should share it on my blog.
So I grabbed my laptop and started writing it out.
Grab their attention, throw some wit out there, tell a story, make it interesting, Google what adjective would sound better, drop the bomb, leave them thinking... and so on and so forth.
It was all wrong.
I think I over-thought it.
ha.
Thinking about over-thinking.
You see what I have to deal with, with myself?
Anyway. It just didn't feel right so I was about to give up on it.
As I went to click on the little red X up there in the corner, I had a feeling to cut the fluff and just get to the point.
Somebody must need this.
So here it is.
Having FAITH that God knows better than you is H A R D.
Especially when you are simultaneously expected to experience LIFE.
I think of wives who meet their husbands at the airport in caskets, getting handed a nicely folded up flag- how do you work up the faith to know that God knows better than you then?
Or a husband who's wife has terminal cancer and only months left to live.. who will leave him alone with small children. How does God know better than you then?
I think of parents who have to look down upon their dying children. Or parents who have had to bury a child. How does God know better?
Or when you lose your job.
Or when the one you love leaves you.. sometimes, easily. Like what you had meant nothing to them.
Or when you take a big risk, spend lots of money on a business venture.. and it fails.
Or when you are so sure that you're supposed to have a baby.. and you can't.
Or when you have to pick up and move, away. Maybe even far away from everything and everyone you have come to know as HOME.
Or maybe just even when you have to quit your dance crew and walk away from what you felt like made you more whole and more you, made you forget about your depression...
How can God know better?
I'm not going to pretend like I have the answers to any of those scenarios because I don't. I'm here, chugging along, just like you.
Recently, I've been literally thrown into a situation where I NEEDED to have faith and NOW. My life completely changed.
I'm not exaggerating.
Completely. (I'll tell you how next time)
And I had to just seriously drop everything.. and TRUST that God knew better.
Walking by Faith... for me, is like this:
{excerpt from my journal tonight}
...When you get a prompting, and choose to act upon it- and choose to walk by faith rather than "rational thinking" (trusting in the arm of the flesh, aka YOU know better than God), ignoring all of your fears and doubts and insecurities...
it's scary.
It's exactly like walking in the dark and you have relinquished all control, and at the end of the day it kind of feels like you're just guessing.. grasping at straws. Like you aren't completely 100% sure but you're doing this big crazy thing anyway.
The doubts begin to want to trickle in, you become tempted to open your eyes and peek.. take control for just one second.. just to make sure you're going the right way-
but you know that in the moment you give in to that doubt, you will no longer be having faith.
So you pinch your eyes shut even harder and keep going.
Keep walking.
Keep trusting.
Completely.
When it's over...
Ether 12:6
"....you receive no witness until A F T E R the trial of your faith.."
after.
After is when it comes.
When I heard *that thing hit the bottom of the garbage can and it was too late to go back. But I had done it.. I followed through..
I felt the spirit.
I received the witness.
The spirit was so strong in my heart.
I could almost hear the cheers from heaven.
I could feel my Father in Heaven. I could feel how pleased He was, and how much He loves me.
I received my witness.
After a month, maybe more.. I finally felt peace and comfort KNOWING I am exactly on the right path and doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing.
I read a scripture in the Book of Mormon a few weeks ago that I know I've read before but I don't think I've ever READ it before... you know what I mean?
It's in 3rd Nephi, Chapter 13 verse 34... and it says:
"For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.
Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.."
That last part is what struck me, and has been with me like a cement brick in my heart ever since.
Take no thought for the morrow...
Don't worry.
You guys. That is our Heavenly Father telling us not to worry. To not be afraid.
To trust Him completely.
Sometimes, it'll make sense right away. But sometimes it won't. Sometimes it will take years, a lifetime.. sometimes we may not even understand until after this life.
"Son: What's faith good for then? Why have faith if it's only good for bible stories and fairy tales.. filling sacrament meeting talks..and when it really counts..
Father: When it really counts it won't abandon you. The pain may block everything else for a while. But slowly, slowly the stab will dull to an ache.. And then if you have faith in all of those answers you've been carrying around for a lifetime..
the pain won't give way to emptiness..
And neither will you."