That's because it's a constant and real struggle.
Looking back on one of my last posts, I was literally shaking my head at myself.
I talked about how I was getting off my meds and how I was getting better. And for a while- I was.
I was happy, I felt better, and I thought I had won. I thought I had finally put the depression behind me.
Yet here I am.
Living it all over again. Even worse than before.
My mom has a way, like all moms do, of knowing how I'm feeling without me telling her, and knowing what to say without me asking for it.
During one visit, she took one look at me... and just knew.
If I put myself in her shoes, I imagine her standing face to face with her daughter. A daughter that was the exemplary of happiness and joy..... who lost the light in her eyes.
I don't know if you have ever looked at someone, and I mean really looked at someone, who was in the middle of a major depressive episode...
but you can literally see the numbness... the lack of hope... the dark emptiness in their eyes.
I have seen it. I have seen it in others. I see it in myself, and so there was no hope of hiding it from my mom.
Sensing my desire to give up- to throw in the towel and call it quits.. my mom told me about how brave I was. How much my blog posts about depression were needed. How they help and touch others. She said,
"Keep going, Carmina. You can do it. You can't lose it now. Your kids need you. Your husband needs you. Your readers need you."
Now I don't know how much I really help. I actually feel like if anything I am spreading a depressive mood not relieving it.
A few months ago when I posted about getting off my meds- I thought I knew better. I thought that I had beat it, and that I had something to teach.
But I didn't. and I don't.
Don't read these posts looking to learn something from me, because I've been humbled.
Read these posts to know that in the darkest moment of your day, in the heaviness that you feel inside, in the storm you can't outrun.. I am right there with you.
Having hope is difficult.
It's not something that I easily hold on to. I can have it one minute and literally have lost it completely in the next. It's a constant effort. And most of the time I am too tired to even try.
But today I heard a quote from Elder Holland and he says,
"When all is said and done.. endure."
So that's where I'm at.
The more I get upset that I have this issue, the more I just want it to go away, the lower I feel. In reality, this is a war that at least right now, I can't win.
So I'm enduring it.
And today, that will have to be enough.