I was
I told myself that I was finally going to get some sleep, and that night I didn't even get ready for bed.. I just dropped. I was long asleep before my head even touched the pillow.
As usual, around 2 am, Grant woke up. I fed him and changed him and put him back in his crib. Zombified, I trudged and dragged myself back into bed. Before I could even pull the blankets back over myself, Grant started to fuss.
[Let me clarify something. Grant is a sleeper. He's a wonderful, glorious sleeper. That's one thing I count on. He has always slept in his crib.. and he never has problems. Except for this night in which we are talking about now...] I walked over and put his pacifier back into his mouth, and he looked as if he were going to go to sleep. I let out a sigh of relief, and headed back over to the bed.
I settled in, got in my wonderful "I can finally sleep on my tummy again" position, and just as I started to feel cozy... he started to cry again. So many thoughts flooded my mind.
"Jaron has to work tomorrow, I shouldn't let Grant wake him up."
"But if I take Grant out then I'll have to stay up with him.. and I'm so tired."
"Why on earth is he doing this now?"
"Not tonight.. any night but tonight.. please.."
I got up and once again put the pacifier in his mouth. He looked like he was going to go to sleep, but every time the binki fell out of his mouth, he'd wake up.
I put the pacifier in his mouth again and laid back down. I said a prayer. I told Heavenly Father how tired I was because of taking care of Grant and doing service for everyone else. I told Him I was done, I was exhausted, I had hit the limit. I asked Him to please let Grant go to sleep and stay asleep so that I could sleep. I asked Him to help Grant go to sleep and be quiet because I didn't want him to wake up Jaron.
I prayed so hard that I could feel the faith coming out of my ears.
And just when I thought that my prayer worked, he started to cry again. I decided I'd lay down by his crib on the floor and just keep putting the binki in his mouth every time it fell out until he fell asleep.
On the hard floor, I prayed hard that Grant would fall asleep every time he made even the slightest movement. I knew that Heavenly Father would answer my prayer because I was praying for help. He always promised He'd help us. I knew He'd answer my prayer because I was praying in faith. I had so much faith. I knew He'd answer my prayer because He loves me. I knew He'd answer my prayer because He is all powerful and making a baby sleep is probably the easiest thing He could possibly do.
But He didn't.
He didn't answer my prayer.
Grant didn't go to sleep. I had my head against the bars of his crib and I cried. I cried out of anger that God didn't listen to me, frustration because "Grant never does this", and exhaustion because I had spent so much time taking care of everyone but me. I cried because that was all I could do.
I was upset at Heavenly Father.
He promised He'd answer our prayers if we prayed in faith and I did. He knew I was exhausted because I had done service for others, which was a good thing. So why wouldn't He just help me out?
It got worse from there.
Jaron woke up.
He woke up to see his wife hanging over the crib crying, and Grant lying there awake starting to fuss too. He asked me what was wrong and through the tears I said, "He won't sleep." Jaron picked me up by the arm and led me into the other room and set me down on a chair. He went back into the bedroom and took care of Grant.
I cried harder. I cried harder because I was mad. If Heavenly Father would have just answered my prayer in the first place none of this would have ever happened. I knew Jaron was mad because he told me I shouldn't have stayed up that other night, he told me to go to sleep and that I could take care of everything the next day, but I didn't listen. And now he had to get up and deal with a crying baby and wife and go to work in a few hours.
It was a mess.
It was a mess and I couldn't help but blame God for it.
"Why?" I thought. "Why didn't You just answer me? Why didn't You help me?"
The answer came quickly, and softly. Clearly.. as if someone had whispered it into my ear.
"Because you need to grow."
Sometimes, God lets it rain. Sometimes, even when we are trying to be righteous, He still lets it rain. Sometimes it's just a drizzle, but sometimes He lets it storm. But it's not because He doesn't love us. It's not because He doesn't hear us. It's not because we don't deserve it, or because we don't have enough faith.
It's because rain makes things grow.
I was humbled in that very instant because I knew that Heavenly Father wasn't trying to make my life harder for me, or ignore me, like I thought. He was letting me grow. He was teaching me something that I wouldn't have learned otherwise. He truly knew what I needed, and He gave it to me in a way I wouldn't have asked for.. but as I sit here today I am grateful for what I learned that night.
If life is raining on you right now and you feel the wind is pulling you a thousand different directions, and the clouds are so dark that you can't see what is ahead, and you feel that God isn't hearing you.. just know that He hasn't left your side. He isn't ignoring you. He is right there beside you, cheering you on... as He lets you grow.
"Many of us, in moments of personal anguish, feel that God is far from us. The pavilion that seems to intercept divine aid does not cover God but occasionally covers us."-Henry B. Eyring Where is the Pavilion? General Conf. Oct. 2012
xoxoxo,
Carmina Joy