First, I wanted to say thank you. You know who you are, and if this thanks is directed at you.
The evening of Sept. 12 really turned my whole family's life upside down. We were thrown into a world we knew existed, but never imaged we would be on the other side of.
So many have shown charity and kindness to my family. Whether it was a visit, a hug, a smile, a meal, a text or FB message, phone call, prayers, kind thoughts, or even just withholding judgement - thank you.
I've heard and read Helaman 5:12 a million times. For heaven's sake I memorized the entire thing at Camp Ruth as a teenager. I believed it was true.
Now?
I KNOW it is.
The devil has sent his mighty winds.
The storm and hail is beating heavily upon me, and my family.
Strangely? I feel peace.
Hands down this is the craziest/worst thing that has ever happened... BUT.
Because I built on that sure foundation- my friend, Jesus... this has no power to drag me down.
I feel that I need to say that this didn't just happen, though. First, I had to make a very important choice. The night I found out about where my dad was, and what the charges were- I have to tell you honestly that I wasn't surprised. I was shocked at all the intricacies of the aftermath, but I wasn't surprised.
{I know this is very open, if you become uncomfortable then feel free to bow out, I won't be offended... but I know that I need to be honest. Truthful. I always have been on my blog and this doesn't change that.}
I have known for a long time, basically since I can remember { though I wasn't able to put the pieces together until I was much older..}, that my Dad struggled with same-gender attraction, and addictions to pornography.
I am not going to discuss my Dad's struggles, mistakes and trials any further than that--That is where that choice I talked about earlier comes in:
I didn't know how to feel. My first thoughts were not angry- but anger started to knock on the door. I acknowledged that that was happening and I greeted anger and decided I'd let it in for a moment so I could see what it was all about, and if I should let it stay. So I let anger say what it needed to say.
Anger said,
"This is it. This is the final straw. He has hurt your family too many times."
"He hasn't changed. He made you all think he was... but he hasn't made any real effort."
These statements from anger didn't really catch my attention, or sell me. And anger knew that. So anger stepped it up. He knew where to make it hurt.
"Your kids. Grant and Grace. Think about them.. They love him so much. Now they have a Papa in prison. How are they going to handle that heartbreak? What are you going to say to them??"
Anger got me there.
So I began to make a plan with anger. I thought, "My kids are young. I can shut my Dad out of my life, and out of theirs. In a few months they'll stop asking for him. In a few years, they'll forget they ever loved him. Then it won't hurt."
But then I heard a small voice.
A small voice in the back of my head. It wasn't competing with anger. It wasn't even competing with me or the billion thoughts I had going on. It was just a small, warm and kind voice. This voice was calm. It wasn't excited or erratic. It wasn't pushy.
It was The Spirit.
And all the Spirit did, was ask a simple question.
"Do you believe it? Or don't you?"
With these few words, the spirit invited my anguished heart to make a choice. Was I going to let the Savoir hold me, or was I going to turn away from His open arms?
I had to make a choice.
This whole mess gave me the opportunity to decide in a very make-it-or-break-it kind of way. I knew anger made a good argument. He raised many good points. And anger's plan going forward was definitely easier.
But I chose to let the Savior into my heart and mind, instead.
I chose "to believe it."
To believe in the words of I am a Child of God that my parents taught me when I was 2.
To believe in every lesson, song and activity that my primary leaders growing up prepared for me.
To believe in all the heartfelt testimonies of my young women leaders, all of them, who shaped me.
To believe in the example of my Mother.
To believe in the Book of Mormon.
But most importantly, to believe in Christ, and what He taught.
It's not my job to make judgement calls on my Dad. It's not my job to decide what he does or does not deserve. Those responsibilities lie solely within the Father in Heaven Himself.
Jesus clearly outlined my job. All of our jobs.
Love one another, as Jesus loves you. Try to show kindness in all that you do. Be gentle... and loving.. in deed AND in thought...
... these are the things Jesus taught.
There are no buts.
No exceptions.
No clauses.
NONE.
My job is to love my Dad. Truly, to love Him. And yes, I will let my kids continue to know and to love him. When this new baby comes, I will teach him or her who their Papa is, and that we love him.
It is the more difficult road.
It definitely IS a straight and very narrow path.
Sometimes I feel like it's impossible.. and I understand now why the scriptures say, "few there be that find it.."
I know there are many who won't understand. There are many who will pass judgement, and write me and my family off as naive or crazy. That is alright with me, I'm learning so much of what in life really matters to me, and what I am going to allow to matter.
But again, like I said before, there have been so many who have truly ministered to my family. I can't thank you enough, especially those who have taken care of my mother. It kills me.... that I'm not near. That I'm not there.
After I kindly invited anger out of my head, to let the Savior come in instead, anger made one last attempt. A kick-you-in-the-groin statement, that he knew may not change my mind, but would at least really really hurt, because he wanted the last word.
Anger is a master at his craft. He is very expert in what he does, because he wounded me with my own words.
My only apprehension in moving out here to California was that, "I would move away, and my family would absolutely fall apart, and I won't be there to fix it."
And that's what he said.
That's how he twisted the knife in my heart.
By reminding me of my worst fear, and that it just came true.
I told Jaron this, and he wisely undisguised anger, revealing Satan. Jaron told me that that was Satan, and that He was going to have no power here.
I'm grateful for that reminder. I forget sometimes that Satan is really good at hiding his identity.
Again, for the third time. Thank you. I'm putting my arms around you with tears in my eyes and thanking you for the kindness that has been shown to us.
I also wanted to say a few other things before I sign off here-
On August 31, Jaron told me he was going to fast from social media for the entire month of September. I decided that I would join him. So we did.
Honestly, after the 12th though.. it was pretty easy to stay off because my brothers told me FB was pretty ugly for a while.... but we completed our fast.
On October 1st, I got on social media {initially it was to help my last client, but I also got onto my personal accounts and scrolled around} but I immediately recognized how I began feel and the change I felt.
I feel like this is relevant because just this last Saturday the Prophet invited the women of the church to participate in a 10 day fast from social media, and to pay attention to the differences in ourselves and in our thoughts and lives..
For me, personally- I feel that I thrived without social media. I feel so present in my life, and with my kids and Jaron. I felt so free, and was just able to LIVE. My thoughts about myself were more kind, I felt a huge surge of my own individual worth and divine nature because I wasn't constantly being bombarded.
I'm telling you this because after this fast, and after much thought, finalized by the words of the prophet on Saturday- I'm going to be stepping off of social media. We are going to be keeping our Facebook account open because we use the Facebook Messenger app to video-chat with our families, and I'm not giving that up ;)
but as for Instagram and stuff, I'll be deleting those other accounts.
Anyway.
That's all I can type for now. I need to hurry and get ready for the day to trick Jaron into thinking I've been up and productive for hours :P
Thanks for reading, and for those who love us, thanks for loving us.
We love you all and really appreciate everything.
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| This was taken on my birthday weekend, my mom was able to come be with us for a few days 💛 |
Love,
Carmina