m.d.d. | part 1: the hell hole that becomes your mind

When I told my mom that I had been diagnosed with depression, she said,

"Don't tell anyone. It's not something 

everyone needs to know about."

I understand why she said that and she meant well- but in good old Carmina fashion I am going to do the opposite of what I was told.

I don't want to have gone through everything I have gone through and keep it all to myself. 

Because frankly- 

it really sucked. 

I said it to Jaron this way...

"I was a mine field. We were walking it 

and we detonated every. single. bomb." 

So. 

We've been walking this mine field for almost three years now.
 And since I know it all too well... let me tell you where the bombs are. 

If you have depression, or you know someone who does... I hope that in someway this will help- even just a little bit. 

This might end up by being a gazillion-part series because there is just too much about depression to wrap up in one post. I am going to try and organize it into topics and segments, and just go with what I feel. So here we go...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

First of all- I was one of those people who said "ho-hum" to depression and that people with depression were "crazy" and should "just get over themselves" and oh, if I had one wish it would be to go back and right, left, hook, upper-cut that ignorance right out of myself.

Depression is a real illness and disease. 

And it IS in your head...

...that's the worst part about it.  

Depression hits each of it's victims' differently. 

I think of it as a cancer specifically designed for who it is afflicting.
A self-destructive disease that knows no bounds. It's purpose- destroy it all. 

Your happiness. Your hopes. Your daily life. Simple Joys. Motivation. Memories. Relationships. Family. Goals. Past. Present. Future. EVERYTHING.

It doesn't stop until you feel NOTHING. 

Even then.... it still doesn't stop. 

You aren't safe in your own mind. That is the one place you should be safe- but it is a war zone,
 and you are the tortured prisoner. 

Every thought attacks you. 

Wounds you. 

Bleeds you dry until all that's left is self-loathing. 

Then it takes it one step further and you hate yourself for hating yourself.

And you realize while looking at the enemy- you are looking at YOU.
My middle name is JOY- I always have had people comment on how "fitting the name is for me" because I am "such a joyful and happy person". I felt like a fraud. I felt like my identity was stripped from me, and I was left empty and worthless.

Truly- depression is a disease crafted by Satan himself.

But I am not defined by my affliction- it is not who I am. 

I did get help...
and that's a story for next time.

-C

If you have any questions you'd like me to answer in upcoming posts, regarding you or a loved one who struggles from depression shoot me an email at carmina.joy918@gmail.com all entries will be kept anonymous and confidential.