I went and saw a therapist today and it was divine intervention. I know that heaven had a hand in this because I don't know that that is something I would have otherwise done.
While talking to my therapist...
gosh. I don't even know where to start.
I learned so much about myself and I learned about WHY I got depression.
I have seen the quote floating around that says,
"Depression isn't a sign that someone is weak-
It is a sign that they have been strong for too long."
I would see it and think, oh that's nice.
BUT GUYS.
It's TRUE.
I was with my therapist for almost a good four hours. We talked about everything all the way back to my childhood and she pointed out something to me after hearing my story...
I don't let myself feel.
She told me that while I told her about a particularly challenging time in my life, I told her about how my brother.. mother.. father.. etc.. how they were feeling. She said I didn't even address myself at all- let alone how I was feeling.
She asked me how I felt during that time, and I happily said, "I was fine."
She asked me how I felt during that time, and I happily said, "I was fine."
She said, "Why. Why were you fine."
I said, "Because they needed me to be."
Tonight I learned that not allowing myself to feel my own emotions is what is causing my depression. I spend all of my time helping and "fixing" others, and feeling their emotions with them while COMPLETELY avoiding and neglecting my own.
At the end of the day, I have nothing left for me- because I have been strong for EVERYONE ELSE.
My assignment from my therapist?
Boundaries and self appreciation.
If you have depression, here are three things that I will be doing and applying to my life, that I hope can help you too.
1. What feelings aren't you allowing yourself to feel? Where do they stem from? What happened? Dig deep. What is that feeling? Sadness? Anger? FEEL IT.
It's okay to NOT BE OKAY.
It's okay to NOT BE OKAY.
My therapist said that those feelings AREN'T GOING TO GO ANYWHERE. You have to address them. It's only going to get worse, and worse and worse the longer you keep them hidden away. You can tell yourself they're not there- BUT THEY ARE THERE. You can either feel those feelings or be depressed- you're already depressed and that's not getting you anywhere. So that sadness and anger that you're holding in? Feel it. Go ahead. Come to terms with it. Then you can let it go.
2. Set boundaries.
Are you a fixer too? I'm a fixer. I am a fixer and a helper. I love and care and show empathy for everyone who comes to me. What am I left with? Self loathing. I take care of everyone and everything but myself and so at the end of the day I am left with nothing and hate myself for it and then hate myself for hating myself.
I am carrying too much. If you feel that way... YOU ARE CARRYING TOO MUCH.
You have your own load, your own life to carry. You can't carry everyone else's load too.
Set boundaries.
You are the only one who knows how to do that... but set those boundaries. It's important.
3. Do some self appreciation.
Stand up for yourself. KNOW that you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Love yourself. DO something for yourself. Ask for help. Whatever it is.... TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You are not selfish for having needs. EVERYBODY HAS NEEDS. You have them too.
I am depressed because I address everybody's needs but my own and my therapist said that depression is my body's way of shutting down
because I HAVE BEEN STRONG FOR TOO LONG.
Like that quote.
My therapist said I'd probably have to actually write myself a permission slip, and she is right so here it is:
I give myself permission to take care of myself.
I give myself permission to NOT be okay. I give myself permission to be sad, to be mad, to feel angry... disappointed.. and to cry. Probably a lot. I give myself permission to feel hurt. And most importantly... I give myself permission to not feel guilty for feeling any or all of those things.
Signed,
Carmina Joy Hughes
Oh, and one more thing that was pointed out to me tonight....
Christ took on the sins and pains of the world. He took on all of it, and while He was in the garden of Gethsemane... our Savior... a Deity.... was NOT okay. Even HE... Jesus Christ... SUFFERED.
It is okay, to not be okay.
MATTHEW 5:4
"Blessed are they that mourn...... for they shall be comforted."
I keep trying to live my life, while all of these trials happen.... and still be
That scripture doesn't say...
"Blessed are they that bury their heartache.... for they shall be comforted."
NO.
MOURN. FEEL.
Go ahead.
Write yourself that permission slip.
-C
Part 4 of this series is for those who care for someone who has depression. We've got some advice for you.
You can find the entire M.D.D. series by clicking here.