"freak."
Then I erased it..
paused...
and typed...
"gosh dang."
instead.
That's what I always do when I don't know how to start a post. I just type exactly what comes. And usually- I sensor it out and erase it but here we are. And I still don't really know how to start this.
Nobody told me how hard it was to sell your house.
No. The actual sign squatting on the grass in my front yard isn't hard.
The hard part is not being able to live in my house. I'm living my life like Gale when "Company's Coming" but all. the. time.
Keeping the house looking like nobody touches anything EVER but people live there and it's furnished is impossible with two toddlers.
I'm losing my mind every day.
The best part?
Still no offers.
Oh, just kidding. That's not the best part.
The best part is that the place we were moving to? The place we were going to rent? The people at the office who said "Go ahead and put your house up for sale now"
We were supposed to go sign the lease a couple days ago but surprise! We can't live there anymore.
Cool.
Luckily we figured out a different option, which is a blessing, but I still have some backlash from the meltdown I had that day, for the first time in my life wondering how we were going to put a roof over our kids' heads.
It felt like I was standing in quick sand. Me, Jaron, Grant, Grace and Charles-
And I failed to grab the only rope that could get us out, and it was just a matter of time. Waiting for everything to fall out from underneath not only me, but my family.
It felt like I was standing in quick sand. Me, Jaron, Grant, Grace and Charles-
And I failed to grab the only rope that could get us out, and it was just a matter of time. Waiting for everything to fall out from underneath not only me, but my family.
I don't recommend that feeling.
at all.
And then there's photography, and the fact that because I can't ever be home because we have a million showings a day (mmm hmm. no offers.) I'm feeling so overwhelmed with my workload and wondering when I can find time to do it.
hint: There isn't any.
I feel like a crazy person because our schedule has drastically changed since Jaron started school. I think we speak about 20 sentences to each other during the week. And I'm being generous there.
I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea it was going to be this hard.
I was texting my best friend last night, and for the first time, I vocalized all the things I've been feeling inside for weeks.
I told her I feel crazy. I feel like I'm spread too thin. I feel like I am sucking at EVERYTHING I'm supposed to be doing. I don't want to do photography. I don't want to do Kalamity. I just want to throw my hands up and be done. I feel like I'm kidding myself thinking I can handle this.
She encouraged me, and I did feel better, but those thoughts just went and sat waaay in the back row. They didn't leave. Not a chance.
After a weird dream that Antonio (fellow Kalamity member) gave Jaron eye surgery in my front room- I got up at 3:30 this morning and went to practice.
We were there for 20 minutes, and auditioned a dance.
A dance that I really really love.
A dance that I was sure I'd make.
I didn't.
So I went to the back of the studio while those who made it set formations, and I let those thoughts come back, front and center in my mind...
"So this is it, then.
I was right.
That tells me all I need to know.
I'm done.
This is my last day.
I'm wasting my time and everyone else's.
They don't need me."
I started fumbling words together of how I was going to quit. How I'd say it to Tia, and everyone else.
I was so distracted coming up with how to quit that when Tia asked me if I was going to be there for assemblies, I literally hesitated.
I wondered if I should just say no right then.
Tell her thank you, but I needed to be done- and walk out.
But I'm not that ballsy.
So I absently nodded my head, and went on with practice.
"Later", I figured.
As practice went on, I thought I may as well dance and have fun seeing as it would be my last, and so I did. I started to feel sad, because I didn't want to quit, but I just felt like the deed was done. It was already over. I had mentally waved the white flag.
I got in the car after practice was done, and just sat there.
Nothing in my head.
I just felt blank.
I felt like I lost.
I lost everything.
I've lost all my time with my husband. I've lost my cute house with my Robin's Egg Blue door. I've lost my passion for photography. and now, I've lost Kalamity.
I started driving home.
FYI- I don't listen to the radio on my way to and from practice.
3:30am and 5:40am is just too early for noise for me.
3:30am and 5:40am is just too early for noise for me.
I don't remember turning the radio on, but I did.
And this song is what played..
in that same instant.