How I'm Beating Depression// Part 1.

So, I have had this post on my mind for almost a year now. I haven't wanted to post about it, but deep down I have known that I should.   I have struggled with depression.   The one thing I do ask, is that when you see me next, please don't look at me like I'm wounded. I am not. The Savior died to help me through this, my wounds were healed through His. And I am proud of how far I have come!
I figured I had depression and admitted it to myself for the first time sometime after Jaron and I got married. But now, I can look back and see that I probably had it my whole life. There are some poems/journals that I've thrown away because man... those things were dark and no human eyes should ever read those. 
For a long time, I didn't talk about it with anyone but Jaron. I didn't even talk about it to my Heavenly Father. And even when I say I talked to Jaron, that just means that once in a while I would say something about being "down". I only used the "D" word maybe once or twice. 
You see, depression runs in my family just about every way you look. I knew about this growing up, and I saw how it affected my relatives.. so getting depression has always been a deep rooted fear of mine. Probably my #1 fear, actually. 
I think I hit my lowest low around October/November of last year.  I remember one day specifically.  I woke up around 8am, and wasn't tired anymore.. but went back to sleep because I just didn't want to be awake. I putting as little effort as I possibly could into everything. I remember I had Grant out for a little while and he was playing, but I just got tired of it, so I put him in his bed for a nap and I laid on the floor in the living room. Grant wasn't ready for a nap, so he just kind of sat in his crib and babbled.  I left him there.  I laid on the floor in the living room and was a waste of space.  I couldn't even cry.  I had no emotion. Nothing.  There was just absolutely nothing.  I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to think, talk, or do anything. If breathing weren't a reflex, I probably wouldn't have even been doing that. I felt like I had lost my spirit, and that my body was just a body- not filled with any form of life. Just a body performing basic function.  Empty. 
I had a prenatal appointment the next day, and on my way there I had a strong feeling to tell Cyndi about what I had been feeling. That went against everything. Talking about it openly was the very last thing I wanted to do.. but I couldn't push the feeling away.  So I described to her the day before, and how I felt. And she confirmed that I had depression.  We both agreed that we didn't want to put me on medication right away, so we came up with a battle plan. 
My first victory with my battle of depression was just admitting that I had it, and then talking to someone.        I can't even begin to describe the relief I felt just from talking to Cyndi about it. I felt a million pounds lighter. I felt instantly better when she said, "No, you're not crazy."  Part of it for me, was that I always just felt like I was going crazy. I felt like it was my fault. I felt like I seriously was just losing my mind. To hear medical personnel tell me that I wasn't crazy was the biggest relief of all. 
And I have realized something since then... More often that not, the person right across from you may have depression and you may not even know it. They themselves might not even know!  Did you know that 14.8 Million Americans are affected by depression? Did you know that Utah is the most depressed state in the country?  Depression is more prevalent in women than in men.  The saddest statistic of all is that 80% of those who have symptoms of depression are not receiving any specific treatment for their depression. 
I was one of those 80%. 
I am writing this because you might be one of the 80% too. Or maybe you are part of the 20% that have received treatment, I am writing it for you too because I have learned that depression isn't something that you can cover with a band-aid for a week, peel it off, and it'll be fixed. 
It doesn't get fixed.
I originally told myself I'd write this depression blog series when "I got better". But I have realized that it's going to be a battle... and a constant one.  I know that sounds hopeless, but it's not.  Like I said before, The Savior's wounds have healed ours. He already suffered for this so that we don't have to.  There ARE ways to beat depression. It doesn't have to beat you. 
So reach out. Talk to someone about it. 
That's all for this time! Next time, I will tell you about my secret weapon. :) (and it IS NOT medication.)