March 15, 2015
Today
was a day for the books.
When
we got to church, before we got out of the car we said a quick prayer that we’d
be patient, and that Grant would be good so that we could stay for all of
church. Well, we (yes, all three of us)
made it through all three hours. It was terribly hard, 100% exhausting,
extremely trying, and yet- absolutely wonderful.
Despite
having to constantly distract and entertain Grant, we took the sacrament,
listened to speakers, participated in an amazing ‘Strengthening Marriage’
class, and went to priesthood and (sorta) Relief Society. We renewed our
covenants, were inspired and taught, and met neighbors. I say that I “sorta”
went to Relief Society because at that point (1:00) Grant had had it, and was
more than ready for a nap, so we hung out in the mother’s room and listened to
the other ward’s sacrament meeting.
By
the time church was over, Jaron and I were both hungry and tired. Grant was
well past tired AND teething. On our
way to the car, I will admit. There were some snappy exchanges.
To
tell the truth, I was angry. I was trying so hard not to be, but I really felt
upset. I kept thinking to myself, “I now know why people go inactive.”
I used to wonder about people who went inactive. I wondered why they would go
without the blessing of going to church. I wondered how they could deny their
children of that blessing.
Well
here is what I have figured out.
The blessings of going to church probably aren’t
felt on Sunday.
It
didn’t feel like a blessing when I had to wake Grant up from his nap to be on
time to leave for church.
It
didn’t feel like a blessing when people looked at me, probably wondering why my
kid looks like he’s going camping rather than to church.
It
didn’t feel like a blessing when we had to take turns chasing Grant down during
sacrament meeting.
It
didn’t feel like a blessing when Grant was screaming over the teacher in Sunday
school, and trying to gouge out another baby’s eyes.
It
didn’t feel like a blessing when I finally had Grant asleep in the mother’s
room, only to have people walk in loudly to wake him up. Throwing my 15 minutes
of painstaking (yes, it hurts to hold
Grant.. I’m pregnant) rocking, and wrestling a screaming child in the
garbage.
It
didn’t feel like a blessing when Jaron couldn’t stay in Sunday school, and I
couldn’t stay for Relief Society because we had to take Grant out.
It
didn’t feel like a blessing when despite staying for all of church, we
basically were fighting on the way home because we were so physically and
emotionally spent.
It
didn’t feel like a blessing at home, as Grant spent the rest of the day (Seriously.
All. Day.) crying because of ruined nap times.
The
headache, the backache, and the heartache sure don’t feel like blessings. And
it isn’t until now at 10:29pm, that I can sit here and not feel like I am going
to explode.
I
get it. I get why people go inactive.
I
could totally NOT go to church and stay home and listen to scriptures or
conference instead. It wouldn’t be a fight, I wouldn’t ruin naps, and it for
sure would be a heck of a lot easier.
Why
then? Why do it?
Well.
Like Adam, and Nephi, and Ammon, and Ruth, and Esther, and Joseph Smith… I do it because the Lord told me to.
I
may not feel the blessing today. But I know I will.
I
might feel it tomorrow, or Wednesday, or next Saturday… who knows. I may not feel the blessing until Grant is old
and grown. I may not even feel the blessing until I myself get to heaven. But I
know I will get my blessing.
Just
because I prayed that we’d make it through all of church, doesn’t mean that
Heavenly Father is going to make it easy. Just because I have righteous desires… doesn’t mean it is going to be a piece of cake.
Is
anything that is truly worth it… ever easy? No.
Absolutely not.
It
takes effort. It takes patience. It takes faith.
I’m
writing this because I know it only going to get harder. As Grant gets older,
and as our new baby comes… going to church is only going to get
harder.
When
my kids become teenagers… it will be even harder.
I
hope I can look back on this and remember NOT to give up. To remember that it
WILL BE worth it in the end. To remember that as long as I am trying my hardest… I am not a failure. To know that God is proud of me. To
know that it is going to pay off. Just keep hoping. And keep trying.
But
please, no matter how hard it gets… don’t give up. You will get your
blessings. And when you do… you won’t even remember how “hard” it
was to get them.