I know that as moms... we all do it.
"Your kid walked at 10 months?" Mine didn't until 13 months...
"Your baby can say 'apple'? Mine just learned 'uh oh'...
"Your daughter knows how to dress herself?" Mine pulls off his socks...
You get it. We compare.
I was comparing the other day..
There were some kids the same age as Grant at the park. These kids were... how do I put it.. agile? Yeah. These kids were agile.
They were running. They were jumping. They were climbing. They were sliding.
I looked over at my beautiful son, who still struggles to step up onto a curb by himself.. (so you can forget about running and jumping.)
I quickly reminded myself that every child is different- and that there was no need to be hard on myself just because he wasn't doing things that other kids could do.
"He'll learn it when he's ready." I told myself.
And on we went with our lives.
Until this last weekend.
We were at my parent's house. Jaron was inside cooking breakfast and my mom was preparing the house for my baby shower, so Grant and I were outside trying to stay out of the way.
Grant loves being at my parent's house. They have such a big yard and there are so many animals. There is so much to explore and he was ready to explore it.
So I did what I always do whenever we are outside.
Grant walks about a foot in front of me.
I follow behind him very closely.
I'm never more than a few inches away.
I keep my eyes on him at all times.
Whenever he comes to a step, or a rock, or a ledge... my hands are always readily outstretched to help him over whatever obstacle he faces.
I am always there.
I am always supervising.
Always helping.
Always controlling.
As I followed Grant around the yard, I watched him and wondered for a moment again, why he wasn't as agile as other kids. Why he seemed so... unsteady? clumsy? dependent?
It was milliseconds before I realized.... it was my fault.
I realized what I was doing.
Grant is never going to learn how to go down a step by himself if I always am two inches away holding his hands every single time to make sure he doesn't fall.
He's never going to learn how to climb up onto or over objects if I am always there lifting him up before he even gets the chance to try.
I realized that my good intentions of trying to prevent pain were actually causing more crippling effects on my son.
I realized... that in order for him to learn, I have to let him fall.
It breaks my heart more than anything in the world. I know that if I withdraw my help, there will be scratches and scrapes. There will be crying and tears. There. will. be. pain.
But I also know that he will learn. He will be strong. He will gain so much more than I could ever give to him..
But I have to let him fall.
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From this, I drew a parallel to my life.
There have been many times that I have asked Heavenly Father for something, or to help me with something, or to take something away.. or to change something... and it's almost like He just said 'no'.
And then followed some of the hardest trials of my life.
Things I never thought I was going to get through..
I used to wonder why God would say "no."
Why pray if He's not going to answer?
What's the point?
Well, just like me with Grant.....
God is always two steps behind us, but because He loves us so much.... He has to let us fall, so that we can become the people that we need to be.
It breaks His heart more than anything in the world.
He knows that there will be sins and mistakes. He knows that there will be crying and tears. He knows there will. be. pain.
But He also knows that we will learn. And we will be stronger. And He knows that we will gain so much more than we ever imagined we could.
And so sometimes... He -lovingly- lets us fall.