Lately, as I think about my life and how blessed I am, I start feeling guilty. I feel like God gives me so much, He blesses me with everything. And what do I do for Him?
I can't really think of anything spectacular.
I mean... I don't go up to strangers and share the gospel, nobody has been baptized because of me, and I haven't been to the temple in months. Sometimes I don't read my scriptures.. and if I'm too tired- forget about getting down on my knees and praying.
So then.. why all the blessings?
I feel like I don't deserve all of this... wonderfulness. (can I use that as a word? this is my blog after all so what the heck. let's make up words)
Tonight, I had a thought.
I thought of my relationship with my son, Grant. So far, this kid hasn't done anything for me except given me ghastly stretch marks, pee in my mouth, poop on my hands, puke on my clothes, and ruin my sleep schedule. But I would do.. no. I will do anything to make him happy. He hasn't done anything to deserve it...but as his mother, he doesn't need to do something to deserve happiness- he just does. I love him more than he will ever understand. When I look at him, all I want is for him to be perfectly happy. When I look at him, I hope and pray that nothing ever happens to him.. because I always want him to be mine. Even though sometimes he makes me want to rip my hair out, one smile from this kid makes my heart soar over the moon.
And you know what?
I'm sure that's how Heavenly Father feels about me. About all of us. I am His daughter. and we are His children.
He blesses me not because I deserve it, or because He owes me anything... He blesses me because He loves me. He always wants me to be His. He always wants me to remember Him. He wants me to stay close to Him. and He wants me to return to Him . . . and still, even then.. that benefits me.
Our God is a wonderful, absoluetly perfect God.. and I love Him so much.
If you are reading this, and feel like you aren't in a good place with God, like you have strayed from the path.. that's okay. Because He still loves you. No matter how far you may feel you have strayed and no matter how many mistakes you may think you can't fix- no matter how much you think you can't change.. just turn to Him.
I'll tell you a story that may be familiar to you, maybe not.
In the Book of Mormon, in Alma chapter 36.. Alma is telling his story.
Alma was the son of a righteous man, but Alma a sinner- and is even described as the vilest of sinners.
He went about destroying the church. Leading the people into sin, and away from God.
It finally got so bad, that the Lord sent an angel to confront him.
After the angel chastised Alma a little bit.. Alma fainted. or as the B-O-M calls it, "was struck down".
He couldn't speak, he couldn't use his arms or legs, and while he was out like this he remembered all of his sins, and was "tormented with the pains of hell".
Alma was so ashamed, and in so much pain and anguish that the mere thought of facing God scared him so much that he didn't even want to exist anymore.
It was then that he remembered that his father had taught him about Jesus Christ, and that He would come and atone for the sins of the world.
And that's my favorite part of the story.. that right there.
Remembering Christ is what saved him.
He asked Jesus for help, and he got it. Alma then says:
19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember myapains bno more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.
20 And oh, what ajoy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!
21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, you are never too far gone. Alma was the "vilest of sinners" and even he found forgiveness and peace. Everyone and anyone..can turn around. I did.
Natilyn Faught sang this song in church on Sunday (holy cow she was amazing) and I think it fits perfectly with this thought.