You know how people used to ask you what you wanted to be when you grew up? Well my answer used to vary between: surgeon, nurse, teacher, doctor, vet.. etc.. Although, honestly.. those were never things I really wanted to do. I just knew that those were the answers those people wanted.
Deep down, all I wanted to be when I grew up was a wife & mother.
Wife: check.
Mother: check.
After I got married I had to rediscover my identity as Carmina, Jaron's wife. While I was still in that process, Grant came along.. and I lost myself all over again. I feel like all the progress I had previously made is gone.. and I am even more lost than I was before.
Being a wife and a mother was all I wanted to be, and it is still all I want to be...and let's be honest.. "losing yourself" is part of that job description. But I want to still be me. So much about what used to make me who I am has changed, or is gone.. and I can feel that my identity crisis is affecting my marriage. Because I am always so unsure about myself I find that I seek constant validation from Jaron, when it shouldn't be necessary.
My cousin-in-law (that's dumb, I'll just say cousin) Leigh, has been doing this awesome thing on FB where she is encouraging her friends to open up and be more honest, and by doing so we are helping eachother by knowing we are not alone in our struggles. She has inspired me to be more open and honest.
So here I am.
Putting myself out there and being vulnerable; in hopes that if someone else is going through this as well.. we can help each other through it.
- Social
butterflyanxiety.
I used to be a social butterfly. Seriously, my "social wings" were enormous. I used to be able to go up and talk to anyone. I used to go out and meet people and make friends daily. I never worried about going anywhere by myself, because I knew I'd make a friend or two wherever I went. Hence, I was the only one in my graduating class who went to Snow College- and I wanted it that way. I wanted a new pool of people. I wanted to meet and make new friends.
Anyone that knows me, knows this.
No, not anymore. I am in a social cocoon. I have somehow developed social anxiety. Forget about making new friends- it has gotten so bad that even when I see people I already know I pretend I don't see them and basically hide because I am afraid/nervous to talk to them. The other day in Ross I saw Sasha Felshaw and I acted like I didn't.. because I was scared. (I'm sorry Sasha.) The first time seeing a familiar face in this new city where we live... and I hid. Like a coward.
That's not me.
- Confidence. not!
I don't like being in pictures anymore. I don't like looking in the mirror. and I am scared to death to try things on in the store. Sometimes I have good days where I feel pretty confident-ish. But then when I go out I always end up by comparing myself to who I'm with, and every ounce of that confidence peaces out for good.
I used to draw confidence from being on Drill Team, Student Council and Show Choir. I felt known, I felt important. I used to draw confidence from having a healthy figure... and having Grant did some pretty awesome...ly horrible.. things to my body.
I used to not care what anyone thought about anything.
The other day I was at the What Women Want expo and I saw these flower patterned leggings. I instantly fell in love with them! But I walked away because I was worried what people would think if I wore them.
My mother in law and sister in law basically wrestled me back to go try them on and it seriously took a lot of bravery... but I bought them.
Scared to buy pants?
That's not me.
I was confident in who I used to be... but I'm not her anymore.
I have come such a long way from there. I have left behind many things, but I have also gained much much more. I am going to sort this out. I am going to find myself again.
And I know once I do... it is going to be a better version of myself.
.... I just have to find it.